A couple following the 10 tenets of dating.

The 10 Tenets Of Dating

Noam LightstoneDating And Relationships Leave a Comment

Dating should come with a rule book, some tenets if you will, that both male and female partners agree to. Here are 10 things I would like to see written:


1. Do not use me.

As a man, I am not here to listen to all your problems. I am not one of your girlfriends. If we have been together for a while, I am here for you with troubling situations, and deeper things. But don’t you dare start fucking telling me about some little cat fight with your friends or how they were out of X at the store. Don’t use me as a venting apparatus. That’s not what I’m here for, and if you keep it up, I will leave.

And from the female perspective, don’t just fuck and dump me. Yeah we’re all animals, and surprise, surprise, I want to fuck too. But you know how much it plays with me when you just act all nice, stick your dick in me and then leave? Great, you got off, and now you just subconsciously made me think that people just want me for is my body, and nobody cares about who I am. Be honest from the start. That doesn’t mean tell me “I wanna fuck you” after 5 seconds (OK maybe this could be good sometimes, tread carefully though). Talk to me. Get to know me. Appreciate who I am, then I’ll probably come back repeated times to satisfy you. Trust me.

Also, I’m not your Mom. Don’t come to me with all your problems either, but I will support you if I can.


2. Respect me.

Don’t waste my time. Don’t waste my energy. Respect when I say no and my boundaries. Defend me when someone bad mouths me and you better not be spreading any rumours about me. How can you be a good person if you do that?

And don’t talk about my private shit behind my back. I told you what I told you in confidence.


3. Be gentle when I have emotional issues. Learn how to be understanding and empathetic.

Everyone has been through stuff. Some more painful and deep than others, but we all have struggles. When I tell you about something, I am trusting you. Don’t call me emotional. Don’t call me a wuss. Don’t throw it back in my face. If I’m telling you I trust you deeply and want you to know. If it’s too much too fast, say stop or slow down. But don’t just slam the door in my face.


4. Fuck me well.

Animals. Again, we’re animals. Don’t be timid, and don’t worry about hurting me. I will tell you if something is wrong. Fuck me like you mean it. Get loud. Roar. Slap. Run your fingers through my hair. Say my name. Learn how to give good oral sex if you don’t know how. Don’t be afraid to ask what I like. This is fun, or it’s supposed to be for the both of us, not a boring romp of parts grinding together. Read books like She Comes First, He Comes Next, and Sex God Method. We can work together to make each other happy, yeah?


5. Tell me what you like about me, and support who I am.

I’m human, and I like knowing what is awesome about me. No matter how zen I am, I have an ego. I’d like to know that I’m not just some piece of ass. Even if we’re just going to fuck, I still want to know what qualities you like in me. I want you to help support and grow these qualities. Trust me, I’ll return the favour. And also, it makes me like you more. Win-win baby.


6. Give me my space.

If you suffocate me I will pull away, and assume you are needy or don’t have your own life. Have your own friends, let me live my own life, don’t incessantly bother me, and give me my time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and when I see you I will want to jump you and spend moments completely absorbed and lost with you and no one else. I promise.


7. Be yourself – don’t hide. Be honest and authentic.

If you try to not be yourself, I’ll sense it. I sense your fear. I sense your insecurity. And I sense some lies. Don’t tell me you want a relationship if you just want to bang. Don’t say you are a badass if you are a lubby dubby teddy bear. If you fake yourself, what you think, or what you value in life… the true you will come out eventually, and then the person I fell for will just be a figment of my imagination. Communicate authentically because fuck, why would I stay with a lie?


8. Don’t cheat.

Unless we have an open discussion about polyamory and we both agree that we’re OK with it, just don’t. End of discussion.


9. Take care of yourself.

Have a good job, friends you love, and hobbies you are passionate about. Dress well. Groom yourself. Get some exercise. Build your own life and invite me in. I expect you to be able to function on your own and I add to you, I do not complete you. This is part of what makes you attractive other than your personality. I like everything about you, but someone who takes care of themselves is inherently sexy.


10. Understand and accept that I am not perfect and continuously learning. Don’t try to change me.

I have faults and flaws. I get nervous, I have fears. I’m sometimes awkward and shy. I don’t exactly know what I’m doing in life. I have some past issues I’m working through. I’m not the best at sex, but I’m learning as I go.

I am perfectly imperfect and doing my best to love myself and take my life into the stratosphere with my unique gifts.

You can support me and come along for the ride, but don’t you dare bring me down. If you passively-aggressively try to change me, it will lead to arguments, fights, and hate. I will change for me and me alone. In dating me, you accept my strengths and weaknesses. If you want to help me, bring me advice or resources because you genuinely want to see me better off, NOT because you need me to be different for you to be happy. Trying to change me is a waste of time. If you aren’t happy, find someone else and leave me to be me.


And if you let me be me, I will give you whatever I can and try to build something with you, no matter how shallow we decide the relationship is, or for how long it lasts.

I promise you that.


What else would you write in the “dating book”?


Image Credit: Cover picture courtesy of pedrosimoes7 under the Creative Commons CC BY 2.0 license.

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